First things First

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EMOTIONS

1- All overeating is emotional eating.

Otherwise we would stop when we were full, or when we knew we had enough for what our bodies needed at the time.

2 – Emotional eating isn’t mysterious, peculiar or exclusive etc.

It’s simply one of a thousand different coping strategies we employ to help with our anxiety regulation. Like gambling, drinking, shopping, drugs, self-righteousness, victimhood (emotions are also forms of addiction) or any other addiction you can think of. For many different reasons, including luck and sheer randomness, we gravitate towards a handful of those, and then anchor ourselves within them.

We Eat to Feel Better

Which is true but not accurate. We feel bad and so we eat to change our state and not-feel-so-bad. Overeating feels bad but the taste of delicious food, and the feeling of satiety temporarily distract us from the pain were were in. So when we eat, that bad feeling is just lessened.

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The Cause of our Pain is Invisible

Our issues cause us to overeat or use other unhealthy coping strategies. Those “issues” are in our unconscious, which is why we got to therapy or undergo some type of therapeutic process to uncover them and bring them into our awareness.

The issues are always dysregulated anxiety and anger. Threats and needs.

We don’t know what our needs (anger) are so we can’t express our anger properly. So it stews inside us.

We don’t know what we are avoiding (anxiety) and so it too festers inside, and grows BIGGER.

The two are usually related. We feel healthy anger (have needs) but anxiety (the threats) shuts them down. That results in unmanaged, stirring emotion inside, which is a strain, and the result of that process is shame.

Then we eat to feel better from that emotional strain.

All this goes on because we often don’t know why we are stressed. We think it’s the boss, the kids, the fact that the car suddenly needs servicing, the spilled milk, the loud noise, our crazy neighbor, certain politicians, or annoying people.

All of that is stressful, but they are usually not the cause. They simply add some strain to the existing mountain of stress that’s already there. The stress that you feel is ‘normal’ because you’re used to it. So the kids act up and you snap at them because they pushed you over the edge.

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5-10 Years

That’s how long it takes if you work on your psychology, to get to the point where that strain doesn’t control you so much anymore, and you feel more free to live the life that you want, without resorting to emotional eating or other coping mechanisms as often.

It is a project. It’s something that has to become a serious part of your life from now until the end of your years. The good news, is that fixing that, fixes or alleviates many of our other problems in life. Our emotions are the foundation of our lives. Above sleep, exercise, eating, work, relationships, money etc.

The how and what to do could take a whole book to write, and I’m not an expert, but I’ll just give you some bullet points for now from what I have learned. Some of the blog posts on this site will also talk more about the emotional growth side of emotional eating.

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Emotional Growth Routine

To grow, you’ll need to do the following:

• Find a therapist who is more concerned with telling you the truth than they are protecting your feelings and have them reflect back to you what your main issue is. Have about 10 sessions with them and be curious, lean into it, ask them to rip you to shreds, and figure out where you are stuck.
• Find a free group online for group therapy. Or you can attend one locally. Just listen in if you don’t want to talk but the key is to listen as if you have the exact same issue as they do (emotionally), and see it in yourself. You may not be a drug addict but you can feel what it’s like to be addicted to something. The next key is to feel the feelings everyone feels and imagine you are the same as all of them in some way. The point is self discovery, to reveal your unconscious to yourself more and more over time and to get used to feeling anxiety and being okay with it. Go once a week for 5 years.
• Journal regularly. Nothing fancy, just what you notice every couple of days. An example would be, “I had a hard time saying ‘no’ to the charity group at the grocery store because I didn’t want to feel like a bad person.” That’s it. Do this from time to time and over 5 years you’ll know more about yourself than you have in all of your previous years put together.
• Ask yourself what you want everyday and try to go for it. It could be 5 minutes to yourself to meditate or a change in career. Ask yourself what you are avoiding and face it. It could be the mailman who talks too much, or it could be telling your spouse they are lazy or cheap or overweight and you’d like to discuss it.
• Commit to honesty. Try your best to be truthful to yourself and others all the time. It’s often hard because anxiety gets in the way.
• Talk to your parents and re-establish an honest relationship with them. You don’t have to take their crap, but be honest (not easy). For example, try telling your ultra religious parents that you don’t believe in God. Good times I know, but that’s the path. Honesty with them all the time. Talk to them over the phone 1/week for 15 minutes to say hello. Notice every reaction you have, journal about it.

Do all of that for 5-10 years and you will change. Read books within that time as well. Most books and talks on therapy are vague and are good at diagnosis but fall short on solutions. Go to Amazon or YouTube and find these authors; James Hollis, Bennett Pologe . They have good information.

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Spoiler Alert

The end game of your therapy journey is seeing yourself as the problem and the one who was ‘wrong’.

Yes other people are also wrong and they did bad things to you when you were a kid and are still doing bad things now sometimes. You were the victim as a child and are still greatly affected by that trauma now. And so those people should be put in their place. But your emphasis will be on how you are the one who has been going about things the wrong way as an adult, and how you now have to change that.

Not because you are ‘bad’ or faulty in some way, or that the trauma inflicted on you was your fault (it wasn’t). But because you can’t see properly. Your trauma filters show you an inaccurate reality and you react accordingly, instead of reacting to the way things are. That filter has to be adjusted and once it is, you are left with feelings of shame and unworthiness. Something you have been avoiding a long time. It sucks. It’s uncomfortable but it’s the start of your upward climb to psychological health and a better life.

So, now that you know it could take 10 years, what do you do about your weight and emotional eating issue?

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MANAGEMENT

While you wait an eternity for yourself to grow psychologically, you’ll need to manage your weight and eating.

You’ll need to make it pain free and even enjoyable if you can. You want to lose weight and better your health and self esteem and the tactics below will help you do that:

1.Sweeteners

You’ll need to replace all sugars you consume with sweeteners.

Your eating right off the bat will stay the same, but whatever you eat or drink that contains sugar should be replaced with the diet version or with a sweetener. Examples:

• Diet drinks instead of regular soda. Sweetener in coffee, tea etc.
• Diet jello, chocolate pudding and other sugar free, store bought desserts and products like yogurt etc.
• Use 1:1 sweetener in all your baking recipes in place of sugar.
• Use fresh fruit to sweeten dishes like oatmeal, pancakes, waffles etc.

Again your eating can stay the same. That way you feel no pain. Just make a simple switch and make it permanent and get used to it. Your body will thank you for it.

2. Carbs

As much as possible, try to replace foods you eat that are carb heavy with ones that are carb free, or carb-lite.

Most people love carbs and will replace them very, very slowly. Start with a meal you don’t care much about, like breakfast. Instead of toast or a muffin or cereal, try bacon and eggs, cheese, cottage cheese or Greek yogurt. Again make sure you enjoy it and that it satisfies that emotional eating hunger.

Then continue on as you feel ready. Some examples are:

• Keto desserts
• Big Caesar salad with bacon, Parmesan cheese and chicken for lunch.
• Ribs, or chicken wings for dinner. Also try cheeseburgers on the grill with cheese and bacon (and mushrooms) without the bun. Or with a keto bun.
• High fat nuts and seeds as snacks like cashews and almonds.
• Natural peanut butter – anytime, all the time.

You get it. Cutting carbs is no fun but if you can replace them with meals do do find enjoyable then it’s pain-free once again, which is key. You don’t have to completely cut them out, just slowly try your best to decrease them over time.

Sugar and carbs raise your insulin level and keeping that low for as long as possible is what we want.

3. Skipping a Meal

Don’t worry.

It’s not necessary but it does help a lot. I recommend you try it just once to see. If you don’t like it you don’t have to do it again but just try one meal.

Pick a meal you don’t care about as much and make sure you are very busy at that time of day so that you are distracted with work or things to do. You’ll find it wasn’t that bad.

If you can do it, try to weave it into your life somehow. It makes a HUGE difference on your insulin sensitivity and your health overall.

This tactic isn’t popular and for good reason. We’re in pain and count on food to soothe that pain. It’s not a necessary option and if you can’t do it then don’t worry. Just focus on what you can.

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Just Start

Just start doing something and build. Take on the task as if each new change is a brick, and you are building a mansion.

You need to make permanent changes, not go for the latest diet. Make one change you can easily adopt and cement it in. It’s now part of you and you are a different person. Then try another etc.

People have lost a lot of weight using the above methods because they work.

Remember, something has to be done while you tackle the emotional part so you may as well see some early weight loss progress to help push you along.

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Conclusion

Emotional eating sucks. Therapy sucks and so does having to lose weight.

We didn’t ask for this.

Someone else damaged us when we were young and now we have this mess to clean up.

I feel where you are coming from and share the sentiment 100%.

The silver lining is that our problem exposes us to the rich path that is psychological growth. It’s rewarding and meaningful and something our psyches and souls have been aching for our entire lives.

There is nothing else without it. It is our Mount Everest.

We have one life. Let’s make something of it and know that we are one of those who choose to accept the challenge, and dared to go through the universal rite of passage, just like the hero of every story does.

It hurts, but gets better with time.